The thing you’re most afraid of

The usual making-an-idiot of myself, falling on my face, being tricked into something I didn’t see coming, monsters under the bed, and spiders in the corner all fall into this category. I love horror movies and the psychology behind them, so I’ve come to terms with the monsters under my bed and the skeletons in my closet. Whenever I see a spider in my house, I get the vacuum cleaner and some hair spray – problem solved. I am clumsy at times, so I do fall on my face and make an idiot of myself, I can never keep a white shirt clean for longer than a few hours, and I trip over every bump in the road, and it passes. Then I do it again, just to make sure I still got it. I do.

It’s difficult for me to think of what I’m most afraid of. I’ve been living with a particular anxiety for years, but weirdly enough, even that doesn’t scare me anymore. When I have an anxiety attack, it’s mostly uncomfortable (it wasn’t always like this). Please, I’m not Regan from The Exorcist – my head is not spinning and I’m not tied to the bed, yelling out profanities – at least not in that particular situation. They’re mostly uncomfortable when you’re alone. No, wrong, it’s actually when you’re around people you don’t really know. But there are ways to deal with it, to sometimes just sit it out depending on how much you want to be where you are, or leave and return to the green zone.

I can’t say that there is nothing I’m afraid of. Of course, like many people, I’m afraid of being left out, left alone, left outside, betrayed, lied to, and disappointed. All vary depending on the situation and how much value you put towards the person who does the leaving or betraying or lying. Mostly, these things fall under the golden rule: Treat others as you want to be treated. It’s not always easy, but completely possible! Even with grandma going 35 in the middle lane on a highway.

Being afraid, to me, means that you don’t trust what the future has in store for you. Trust beats fear. It’s not always possible either, but it makes me try a little harder. The scenarios that your mind comes up with can be so far-fetched at times that you start to believe them yourself – and it will drive you crazy. Overthinking is not my favorite pastime, but it happens in times of uncertainty. I then go to the gym, the book store, out for a drive, meet with people, and do something about it. Or I do nothing at all and let it pass. Because in reality, I know feeling good and positive has so much more power than feeling negative about anything. However, even on days when you don’t feel positive, it’s completely ok. You do not always have to be smiley and fun and action-packed and the happiest person on earth – you are human. It’s ok!

Of course I’m afraid of not being accepted for who and how I am, but then again, those who don’t, aren’t supposed to be in my life anyway. Or they are there to teach me something. So on a strong day, like today, there is really nothing I’m afraid of MOST because I trust. Or I try. Trust is a good thing. It gives you comfort and stability – I like that.


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