Whatever you do…

… don’t park underneath the cherry tree!

There’s a drought in Southern California. In every way possible. We cannot buy bottled water without feeling guilty, let alone wash a dusty car. Which is pointless anyway because it would be waking up in a cloud of dirt the next day if you park in the street (like me). I’m happy to have my car… not willing to pay almost $200 per month for a parking spot though. So I gladly take the circling around the block and the dust cloud in the morning.

After a good two months of getting my car, I decided, he must be washed. I’m a clean person and everything that goes with me must be at least mildly clean. I really did a good job and held on for two months. A long-time friend of mine, who has his own driving empire (not Uber, but something alike), was well prepared. He literally said to me “save the $20 bucks, I’ll clean your car at my place”… A new pick-up line I wasn’t aware of, apparently.

We went to his place (outside parking spot… please!!). He whipped out the duster, a non-static cleaning towel(let) and started cleaning my car. I was impressed… at first. My car was sparkling. Except the tracings of random bird droppings (on a black car) and of course the rims don’t magically clean themselves without soap and water. I drove off in a dust free, yet semi-clean car.

And I got to thinking… People do this to you all the time. They half-ass you. They try, but in the end, you’re being half-assed. That’s what they do. They promise you one thing (or you think they do), and you get half of that, done half way… so it’s a mere quarter, really.

Let’s take this random idea: You’re single and dating in Los Angeles. Wild guess: You’re attracted to someone’s online profile, yet they look nothing like it in reality… or they described themselves in a way that made them look better than they are. It’s quite disappointing and deceiving. I’ve been out with some guys from a popular dating site… and most of their complaints evolve around women lying.

No joke… So once you’re about 30 minutes into the date and you run out of natural things to talk about, you go “so, how’s your experience with this xy website?”… and you respond “yea, you know… I don’t expect much, but thought I’d give it a try… How about you?” … and you didn’t realize the can of worms you just tapped into. Turns out, guys are really pissed about girls lying about their age and weight.. and this seems to be a major issue.


Understandably so… Why do women feel that they have to lie about their age and weight? Something must’ve told them at some point that their weight is not acceptable or that their age would not get them the audience they had hoped for.

I personally believe everybody lies on their online dating profile… you have to… If you want to attract what’s not meant for you… Because you think you’re not meeting the minimum you’re hoping for. The important detail is not to lie about the essential, underlying things. Like your looks, age, weight, education, job, income. Talk about your job or your income for all I care, but don’t pretend you’re making 100,000 a year and then come out and confess you’re barely making minimum wage in a shipping facility (just sayin’).

Don’t post pictures from 10 years ago, 20 pounds lighter, and show up to the date two kids later, with stretch marks, and bags under your eyes. The disappointment will be quite evident. If you think you won’t attract anyone… or anyone special, just be courageous, and be yourself anyway. It’s the only way of finding your match (or one of many matches). Even if it takes a lifetime.

On my last encounter, my date had told me that one of his previous dates had contracted a non-terminal disease, but since it’s non-terminal, their opinion was “you can share it”. Needless to say I sat there with my jaw on the table (no worries, this was a public situation, innocent non-alcoholic drinks and nowhere near an intimate get-together). One of the previous women he had dated was bisexual and had contracted the disease from another woman (or so they said).

You know, this takes all the fun out of the whole dating-game. I had just come around going out again and meeting different people (there aren’t even any second dates at this time, let alone intimate secrets or bed-time), but just hearing about how filthy people are takes all the fun out of getting to know them. How much lying there is going on- it’s really appalling. And how much I’ve really tried to cover up my facial impurities to perfection in order to please someone who is happy to have gotten out of an STD situation… priceless.

Which brings me back to the drought in California. I finally convinced myself to spend the $10 bucks and have my car hand-washed (on a Monday… half price!). It’s all shiny and new. They even vacuumed it. Something you can do with your profile and your car, but only you know what it used to look like…

I drove home and was almost ecstatic to find a parking spot close to my house at this hour. I parked, locked the car and walked home. Little did I realize, I parked underneath a cherry tree. A couple of months ago, I parked underneath a conifer. The next day, I had been surprised with a windshield full of tree gum. This night, I parked under the cherry tree… no gum!

Just like your online dating profile, you can clean up your car, make it look all nice and shiny and new, but if you park underneath a cherry tree… you will get pooped on. That’s a guarantee! And it’s not even the regular black-and-white poop… it’s the one with the cherry stones that drop onto your roof like rocks, and the red residue that just eats itself into your car paint. So make an effort: Clean up (yourself, your profile and your car), care for yourself (your profile and your car), be considerate (of yourself, others, and your car), most of all: have fun, be smart and whatever you do… please… don’t park underneath the cherry tree!


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