That same ol’ Christmas song

‘Tis the Season. I’ve been waiting all year. Haven’t we all?! Pre-Halloween up to January 3rd is the best time of the year. Especially for me… basking in the land of Christmas in November and December. Germany thought it was already overdoing it with their gingerbread hearts in the supermarket shelves by the end of October. But they haven’t seen American customs and traditions (or thought the  movies are a joke). You can basically get Christmas stuff all year round – you just have to know where to look.

It really is my time of the year. You’d think I’d be the happiest little camper on earth. I woke up this Monday morning, roof over my head, steady paycheck coming in, lemon pound cake on my lap while driving to work in my little Smartie car, Grande Chestnut Praline Latte beaming in my cup holder and me – singing to the best of KOST 103.5 Christmas songs all damn day long. Lemon pound cake crumbs still hanging from the sides of my mouth. Who cares. My whole caloric intake was covered by breakfast alone and the sugar high would last well until 11 am. That’s when I crash.

In the meantime, instead of feeling happy and grateful, I feel fat and worthless, staring at that little crumb left on my lap. I haven’t found my place yet. Physically, yes (well, put the calories aside – I do work out a lot, so objectively speaking, I’m allowed to eat crap once in a while, and I will do so until… ), until when? “What’s it gonna take?” Is what I thought before meeting up with my personal trainer for the second time. The first time, he chatted me up while I was jogging outside, suggesting we should meet up. I honestly thought he was hitting on me, and he was sort of cute, so why not. In the end, I should’ve realized by the bling and fist bumps he was giving other people that he was looking to make money with his services. Can’t blame him. I’m just not the person to render them to him.

Either way, things would turn out differently in the end anyway, as they so often do.

I was supposed to go on a date this weekend. With a man I had met a couple of times before. I had decided to take a break (and he didn’t seem to object), because… well, there was no “oomph” the first few times we met. There was attraction, but no butterflies. It could’ve been alright; we could live happily ever after – if I was a different person. I liked this guy. Otherwise I wouldn’t have agreed to see him again. He stood me up. Sort of.

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He made me look forward to the weekend. As I mentioned in previous posts, I don’t go out too much, so when a guy that you’re even remotely interested in asks you to go dancing, you throw on those dancing shoes. I almost bought a pair of semi-leather pants I can’t even afford. Glad I didn’t. I sent him a text asking him when to be ready, when he informed me that he forgot that his cousin was in town and I should bring a friend. Great. My friends are either pregnant (I’m not kidding- all of them!!), live abroad, are much older than I am or guys… Oh my G, I totally should’ve brought a guy!! So in-between the mid-life crisis of not even seeing a prospect of giving grandchildren to my mom and finding my place in the working world, I am left telling the guy “Sorry, I have no eligible date-friends”. That kind of settled it. That and that short-coming aspect of his not worth mentioning, but which I already mentioned to my friends (yes, girls talk). It’s just not gonna work out.

The personal trainer, right… He stood me up as well. Not even a text. I had had it. I, in my German formal and calm manner (“annoyingly efficient”, someone once described me… as I throw Doritos in my Chili), I asked him what was wrong with him. I waited, he didn’t show, what’s the deal? He responded shortly after that his icloud had been hacked and all his contacts were gone (it’s really hilarious how this same exact thing had happened to someone I was seeing earlier this year). Apologetically, he tried to reschedule (definitely a personal trainer)… But he doesn’t need me. I will give it a chance – because I (!!) deserve it and I can’t afford him anyway, but the first lesson is usually not as intense anyway. It’s more of a psychology thing to reel the customer in. I know – I’ve got all my PT and life coach licenses. Just how to use them on myself… remains a mystery.

Since I’ve been here, it’s the same thing every year: I’ve felt selfish for being here, because I’m following my dream. Whatever that is. I’ve given up (for now) celebrating the Christmas season (and the holiday) with my family for being here alone. And I get stood up… But maybe it’s better this way. A friend of mine once said (he said it several times – whenever I had a lack-of-relationship crisis) that I seem to dodge the bad ones over and over, and that I should cherish the time I have to myself. It’s been very difficult to take his advice, but I would rather be alone than with hope in people who keeps standing me up – be it a professional Personal Trainer or a potential further date. I’m here for a reason, and I will find out why. Even if it takes five Christmases…

 

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